in the beginning there was the end

Today I decided to leave my partner. But when I write that (or even think it) my stomach knots up and unpleasantly squeezes the half a panini sandwich I just ate. Why? Guilt? Self-doubt? The wrenching reality of it all?

I'm leaving because she's a crazy drunk. I'm leaving because I'm miserable. I'm leaving because it isn't what we thought it would be, what we knew it *could* be. I'm leaving because our relationship devolved into codependency, because I'm enabling her drinking and she's enabling my martyr complex. I'm leaving because she's needy, desperate, selfish, mean.

But in so many ways I'm terrified. I'm full of guilt, self-doubt, fear that I'm making a terrible mistake, that really *I'm* the one fucking it up. I don't trust myself and I can't seem to give myself permission to stop taking care of her and start taking care of myself. And it's hard to feel as done as I feel while at the same time holding open a space to grieve the loss of the relationship. The relationship itself has been so meaningful, such a source of joy, hope, fascination, excitement, contentment, security, etc.

So, here's to a radical departure from the status quo, an end to the perpetuation of codependent relationships, one after the other. Here's to being single and learning how...

And here's to finding an affordable studio that allows dogs and is available for move-in, like, tomorrow.