Tuesday, December 02, 2008

and the anniversaries pile up

December 2nd is a day I like to try and write about my brother Isaac who died on this day in 2001. Sometimes I forget. Today I'm remembering because I dreamed about him last night. I realized that I don't dream about him as much anymore and, after 7 years, a lot of my feelings about him are fading.

I don't think my *feelings* are fading, I just mean that something of my felt connection to him is fading. I used to think of him often and I had a strong sense of growing him up in my memory (he was only 20 when he died). In a way, he continued to grow and mature with me as I dragged his ghost through my own growth process.

Now he's dim and I haven't thought about him that way in a long time. He'd be 27, like his twin brother who just visited me in September. I can't picture him at 27, even though I've got a pretty good model in Al-x. I can't imagine what he'd be doing, or thinking. I guess it doesn't matter.

Now when I dream of him, more often than not, he appears as a kid. Usually around 10. Maybe that's the age I remember him inhabiting most clearly. Maybe my heart is more attached to him at that age. Sometimes in the dreams he's not sick, but usually he's sick or he's already dead even though he seems to be present and participating. There's always a time-limit, he's always expiring in one way or another. But the dreams aren't sad, they're usually sort of benign. And it's always nice to see him.

Last night he was sick in the dream. He was young, but Al-x was there and he wasn't, he was as old as he's supposed to be. Isaac was in bed and I knew he would die as though it had already happened a thousand times and nobody talked, everybody seemed heavy, but I felt light because I was aware that I had a tiny window of time with him that I thought I'd lost. Nobody else understood that fact. It was a good dream.

In other news, this is my three year bloggerversary! It feels very appropriate to be back now. :-)


Blogger roro said...

That sounds like a good dream.

Happy 3 year bloggerversary!

5:43 PM  

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