sleeping at mog's.

Last night I slept at make-out-girl's house. It wasn't intended, but it was so late by the time the Texas Hold 'Em was over (newly taught to me and Aimee and played with Nerds and Mentos b/c mog couldn't find her chips) and Aubrey and Aimee left. Then mog seemed poised on the brink of "breaking up" our make-out relationship in the same way she ended her last "dating" thing with the teacher: abruptly. A conversation full of mixed signals as she pulled me closer and touched me warmly while explaining that my leaving my relationship makes her nervous. I tried to nail her down on what exactly made her nervous, but she didn't seem to completely understand it -- or maybe she couldn't articulate it? Or maybe she just wasn't ready to own it. So, I'm not even completely out of my current relationship and I'm already getting mired up in some weird vibes with mog? Ridiculous. But I like mog and have faith that order will be restored. In fact, she did extend the sleep-over invitation after we aborted the almost-break-up conversation. Like I said, mixed signals. But I was happy to have a place to sleep since it was already near 2am and I had to be at work at 8 this morning. Saved me a lot of driving.

So we lay there curled like puppies, warm and surprisingly comfortable (as most close time w/ mog surprisingly is) -- she fell asleep pretty quick but alas I'd missed my window of sleep opportunity. I lay staring at the ceiling, my body vibrating with exhaustion and anxiety for hours. I noticed that mog furrows her brow even while she sleeps. Funny. But watching mog sleep didn't help me sleep. I noticed that as I lay there trying to sleep, mog's breathing sounded like my partner's, who we shall call CB. Her small sounds: sniffing, swallowing, occasional, quiet snoring... As I lay there, those sounds, so familiar, triggered all the anxiety I would've felt at home with CB -- all the anxiety I now realize I've been feeling sleeping next to CB for almost a year. I noticed after awhile that I was laying there in bed next to mog bracing against her night sounds, prepared for it to actually be CB there. Waiting for her to stir, snort, cry out and roll over drunkenly, throwing her unwanted arms and legs across me. So, of course, I couldn't sleep.