permission to speak freely
Tonight, talking to SK on the phone, she gave me her blessings to write about her on the blog.
It's tricky with me and SK and the blog. She started reading it near the very beginning, before we'd ever gone on a single date. And it is, somehow, mysteriously, one of the foundations of our relationship. Early on, though, it became clear that, if we were going to date, I couldn't really blog about her. She asked me to be mindful of her on the blog and I already felt it would be tacky to say things on the blog *about* her that I hadn't yet said *to* her.
So, if I ever mentioned SK, it was only in passing, briefly, vaguely. When SK said tonight that she wouldn't mind if I blogged about her (for reasons I won't explain) -- I started wondering what I would've been writing about her, all this time, if I'd been writing about her freely. Turns out: lots of insecurities. I would've processed out all my insecurities. So maybe it's a good thing that I wasn't blogging about her so much then.
And now, now that I'm "free" to write whatever I want...?
I'll say it's hard to have her gone so long. She will be in Australia as long as we dated before she left. Seven weeks. Seven weeks is not a lot of weeks to lay down a foundation for a relationship and seven weeks *is* a lot of weeks for your new girlfriend to be out of the country. We've been in touch a lot, basically every day via email, with lots of phone calls and letters and cards in there too. But there's nothing like day to day knowing and seeing and being together in a relationship. Long distance is tricky. I never believed in long-distance relationships and I don't still. It's only worthwhile if it's guaranteed to be temporary. Otherwise, forget it.
I'll also say it's hard to be involved with someone as great as SK so soon after the demise of the relationship with CB. CB and SK are worlds apart. Such incredibly different people. Yet, I love them both. I see in SK tremendous potential. I mean, our day to day relationship is pretty tremendous already, after such a short time. But, beyond that, I see a compatibility and like-mindedness that could carry us really far in a relationship. Maybe as far as two people can go. But so soon after CB... it's hard. I'm still mourning. Fortunately, I'm past the stage of doubting my choice to leave and wondering if I should go back. I know that's not the path for me. But still, I was so invested in CB. We were married. And it was so recent. I left in December after two years and one month. And no, that's not a phenomenally long time, but the investment was huge and that's what matters most. December isn't that far away. I can't even begin, at this point, to start imaging a future with *anyone* else while the life I had with someone else is still so freshly ended. It is more than tacky, more than painful, it's impossible. And I'm pretty scared that my slowness will put SK off. I'm afraid she'll feel she's not important enough. I'm afraid she'll feel I'm not giving enough, or caring enough. I really, really hope she'll bear with me and understand. I'm still grieving. I don't know how long it will take. But I'm hopeful.
It's tricky with me and SK and the blog. She started reading it near the very beginning, before we'd ever gone on a single date. And it is, somehow, mysteriously, one of the foundations of our relationship. Early on, though, it became clear that, if we were going to date, I couldn't really blog about her. She asked me to be mindful of her on the blog and I already felt it would be tacky to say things on the blog *about* her that I hadn't yet said *to* her.
So, if I ever mentioned SK, it was only in passing, briefly, vaguely. When SK said tonight that she wouldn't mind if I blogged about her (for reasons I won't explain) -- I started wondering what I would've been writing about her, all this time, if I'd been writing about her freely. Turns out: lots of insecurities. I would've processed out all my insecurities. So maybe it's a good thing that I wasn't blogging about her so much then.
And now, now that I'm "free" to write whatever I want...?
I'll say it's hard to have her gone so long. She will be in Australia as long as we dated before she left. Seven weeks. Seven weeks is not a lot of weeks to lay down a foundation for a relationship and seven weeks *is* a lot of weeks for your new girlfriend to be out of the country. We've been in touch a lot, basically every day via email, with lots of phone calls and letters and cards in there too. But there's nothing like day to day knowing and seeing and being together in a relationship. Long distance is tricky. I never believed in long-distance relationships and I don't still. It's only worthwhile if it's guaranteed to be temporary. Otherwise, forget it.
I'll also say it's hard to be involved with someone as great as SK so soon after the demise of the relationship with CB. CB and SK are worlds apart. Such incredibly different people. Yet, I love them both. I see in SK tremendous potential. I mean, our day to day relationship is pretty tremendous already, after such a short time. But, beyond that, I see a compatibility and like-mindedness that could carry us really far in a relationship. Maybe as far as two people can go. But so soon after CB... it's hard. I'm still mourning. Fortunately, I'm past the stage of doubting my choice to leave and wondering if I should go back. I know that's not the path for me. But still, I was so invested in CB. We were married. And it was so recent. I left in December after two years and one month. And no, that's not a phenomenally long time, but the investment was huge and that's what matters most. December isn't that far away. I can't even begin, at this point, to start imaging a future with *anyone* else while the life I had with someone else is still so freshly ended. It is more than tacky, more than painful, it's impossible. And I'm pretty scared that my slowness will put SK off. I'm afraid she'll feel she's not important enough. I'm afraid she'll feel I'm not giving enough, or caring enough. I really, really hope she'll bear with me and understand. I'm still grieving. I don't know how long it will take. But I'm hopeful.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 9:03 PM
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