sometimes dreams

Last night, in a very long, very elaborate dream, I was visited by the best version of CB I knew. This was the CB I loved, the CB I enjoyed, the CB I really miss. Too bad, in real life, that CB hardly exists. She's fragmented and interspersed within the other CB, the combative, obnoxious, insecure, alcoholic CB.

So this dream was pretty disorienting. I dreamed we were on a series of outdoor adventures together. We were, first, kayaking through a high mountain lake, with snowy peaks all around us. It was gorgeous and magical and we were at our coupled best, engaged in a fun, outdoor task that we both loved. We never kayaked in real life together, but we did have an inflatable boat that we took out on lakes on most of our camping trips. The boat wasn't particularly aerodynamic (hydrodynamic...?) and we'd often talk, while watching people in skinny kayaks whiz by us, about upgrading to a more slender boat someday. We debated the pros and cons and tried to figure out how we'd pay for it.

In the dream, we were trying to figure out where to go next. The lake was like a series of fingers, dipping into the curves and creases of the mountains, and we were exploring. It was an incredibly gorgeous dream.

That dream morphed into another outdoor dream -- we'd driven up to this field in the middle of nowhere and parked. We were going to hike through the field to the woods beyond to find a secret trailhead. In this dream, it was CB's plan to go on this hike, and I wasn't prepared. It was cold out, there was snow on the mountains around us, and I didn't have my gloves or my scarf or a good coat. I was annoyed, but CB was (uncharacteristically) sweet and accomodating. She drove me to a house where I could gather my winter gear. The rest of the dream we spent hanging out in the house, just chatting, making food, living like we'd lived together before, when we were married. She also told me a long story about a medical problem she was having. Something very serious, something she hadn't wanted to talk about before. In real life, the last time I actually talked to her, she made reference to some kind of dire, physical malady, but she wouldn't give me any details. It felt sneaky and manipulative, but it worked. It made me worried.

So, I woke this morning feeling sad about CB. Long dreams of nothing but the good CB. It's almost unfair, really. I guess my deep mind is trying to remind me that I'm not done mourning my relationship. I'm not done missing her. And it's frustrating, because I just don't know what to do with the feelings. Just sit with them and feel sad. Oh well.