parade of horribles
I'm sick. I've been sick since last weekend. It's a totally stupid kind of sick too. It's this half-assed, lingering cold that doesn't quite have debilitating symptoms but that still makes me tired and muddled in the brain. I was thinking about it just now and here are the links:
1.) Two Friday nights ago: me 'n SK went out with Kiwi and Kiwi's friend for Mexican food. I didn't have a great time and SK got annoyed with me in the car after. Who wouldn't.
2.) Saturday morning: woke up w/ a sore throat.
3.) Saturday night: me 'n SK went to a horrible, awful performance art thing, a one-woman show. It was embarrasingly bad and then, to make it worse, we went to the afterparty (which was held at my therapist's gorgeous house) where all the artist's friends were gathered to give her lots of support and, as someone not really in this community, I found it really creepy to witness the oblivion everyone had to the art's awfulness. It was like an emperor-has-no-clothes party. I spent a lot of time avoiding people who might ask me what I'd thought of the piece. When I did talk, I was, apparently, combative. SK was annoyed with me.
4.) Sunday night: me 'n SK went to a forum on the middle east. That was pretty good, actually.
5.) Monday night: my headcold was starting to clear and I had big plans to go home after work and sleep in a little so my body might have a chance to really fight the lingering bits of cold. Instead, the brain-damaged hippie overslept again and didn't show up for his midnight shift until 2:30am. I didn't get to sleep until after 3. I slept until 11, but woke feeling shitty and homicidal towards the fucking brain damaged hippie.
6.) Tue-Thur: my headcold was now in my chest, a tinny tasting cough was keeping me company, I was holding on to a slow simmer of anger about everything you can think of, I was really cranky and I was getting these obnoxious comments from an obnoxious (hopefully former) reader of my blog, telling me, among other things, that I'm excessively introspective, immature and oblivious to the troubles of the world. Kick me while I'm down, why don't you. Maybe I *am* excessively introspective. Maybe I *am* immature. Maybe I *am*... wait a minute, I'm not oblivious to the troubles of the world, I write about the world all the time. I suspected that this reader was right about some things, but wrong about others, but more than anything, I thought he was a nasty, unhappy asshole. (He said some other nasty things, like that I'm constantly changing sexual partners, which seemed to belie some underlying misogyny. I deleted that shit.) Anyway, I added a new layer of self-loathing in the midst of this. Meanwhile, SK was encouraging me not to get so polarized about the comments. I just wanted her to agree that he was an asshole, just for a few minutes. Sometimes being polarized together isn't so bad, it's like a togetherness exercise. It's also called "supporting your girlfriend when she already feels like shit rather than challenging her to see the truth in the hurtful things some anonymous asshole is saying on your blog."
7.) After doing homework all day, I met up with some school friends for drinks. I realized I don't have much in common with any of them and don't even really enjoy their company anymore. I listened to them talk about work and plans and I felt like I just wanted law school to be over so I could go back to being a normal person. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I drank a hot toddie and left after 45 minutes. I did eat some really good gorgonzola cheese on crackers though. That was the highlight of my week.
8.) Saturday morning: met with my small group to discuss our group project. I hate our group project. I hate my small group. One is nice, the other two suck. I feel unprepared and unsmart, even though I have worked and worked on this project. I hate law school. I hate myself. I hate feeling sick.
9.) Saturday day and night: spent with SK, laying around. I decided to "take it easy" so my body could stop being sick. It didn't work.
10.) Sunday: woke at my place with SK. Read the New York Times, drank tea, it was nice. SK went home around 11am and I worked from then until 6pm on school stuff. I hate school. It felt like a waste of time. SK came back and we got burritos up the street. I wanted to kill the woman who takes orders because she is as dumb as a box of rocks and she makes the same mistakes every time. Every time! I feel like an asshole for being such an asshole, but I guess I'm just an asshole, la la la.
11.) Sunday night: watched a sort of sweet, sort of gay movie with SK. Had a weird fight with SK. Went to sleep confused. Woke up feeling like shit. Debating whether to skip my class this morning. Thinking I'd like to end some part of this life I'm having that is so full of mucous and bad feelings. Is partial suicide possible? It would be nice if I could do like the guy in Fight Club: put the gun in my mouth and kill only the really fucked up part of me. I'm not gonna try it, but it would be nice.
** Please note ** This has been an account of all the shitty stuff through the week. There was some nice stuff too, I just didn't include it. I was sticking to my parade of horribles theme. Hope you enjoyed it.
1.) Two Friday nights ago: me 'n SK went out with Kiwi and Kiwi's friend for Mexican food. I didn't have a great time and SK got annoyed with me in the car after. Who wouldn't.
2.) Saturday morning: woke up w/ a sore throat.
3.) Saturday night: me 'n SK went to a horrible, awful performance art thing, a one-woman show. It was embarrasingly bad and then, to make it worse, we went to the afterparty (which was held at my therapist's gorgeous house) where all the artist's friends were gathered to give her lots of support and, as someone not really in this community, I found it really creepy to witness the oblivion everyone had to the art's awfulness. It was like an emperor-has-no-clothes party. I spent a lot of time avoiding people who might ask me what I'd thought of the piece. When I did talk, I was, apparently, combative. SK was annoyed with me.
4.) Sunday night: me 'n SK went to a forum on the middle east. That was pretty good, actually.
5.) Monday night: my headcold was starting to clear and I had big plans to go home after work and sleep in a little so my body might have a chance to really fight the lingering bits of cold. Instead, the brain-damaged hippie overslept again and didn't show up for his midnight shift until 2:30am. I didn't get to sleep until after 3. I slept until 11, but woke feeling shitty and homicidal towards the fucking brain damaged hippie.
6.) Tue-Thur: my headcold was now in my chest, a tinny tasting cough was keeping me company, I was holding on to a slow simmer of anger about everything you can think of, I was really cranky and I was getting these obnoxious comments from an obnoxious (hopefully former) reader of my blog, telling me, among other things, that I'm excessively introspective, immature and oblivious to the troubles of the world. Kick me while I'm down, why don't you. Maybe I *am* excessively introspective. Maybe I *am* immature. Maybe I *am*... wait a minute, I'm not oblivious to the troubles of the world, I write about the world all the time. I suspected that this reader was right about some things, but wrong about others, but more than anything, I thought he was a nasty, unhappy asshole. (He said some other nasty things, like that I'm constantly changing sexual partners, which seemed to belie some underlying misogyny. I deleted that shit.) Anyway, I added a new layer of self-loathing in the midst of this. Meanwhile, SK was encouraging me not to get so polarized about the comments. I just wanted her to agree that he was an asshole, just for a few minutes. Sometimes being polarized together isn't so bad, it's like a togetherness exercise. It's also called "supporting your girlfriend when she already feels like shit rather than challenging her to see the truth in the hurtful things some anonymous asshole is saying on your blog."
7.) After doing homework all day, I met up with some school friends for drinks. I realized I don't have much in common with any of them and don't even really enjoy their company anymore. I listened to them talk about work and plans and I felt like I just wanted law school to be over so I could go back to being a normal person. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I drank a hot toddie and left after 45 minutes. I did eat some really good gorgonzola cheese on crackers though. That was the highlight of my week.
8.) Saturday morning: met with my small group to discuss our group project. I hate our group project. I hate my small group. One is nice, the other two suck. I feel unprepared and unsmart, even though I have worked and worked on this project. I hate law school. I hate myself. I hate feeling sick.
9.) Saturday day and night: spent with SK, laying around. I decided to "take it easy" so my body could stop being sick. It didn't work.
10.) Sunday: woke at my place with SK. Read the New York Times, drank tea, it was nice. SK went home around 11am and I worked from then until 6pm on school stuff. I hate school. It felt like a waste of time. SK came back and we got burritos up the street. I wanted to kill the woman who takes orders because she is as dumb as a box of rocks and she makes the same mistakes every time. Every time! I feel like an asshole for being such an asshole, but I guess I'm just an asshole, la la la.
11.) Sunday night: watched a sort of sweet, sort of gay movie with SK. Had a weird fight with SK. Went to sleep confused. Woke up feeling like shit. Debating whether to skip my class this morning. Thinking I'd like to end some part of this life I'm having that is so full of mucous and bad feelings. Is partial suicide possible? It would be nice if I could do like the guy in Fight Club: put the gun in my mouth and kill only the really fucked up part of me. I'm not gonna try it, but it would be nice.
** Please note ** This has been an account of all the shitty stuff through the week. There was some nice stuff too, I just didn't include it. I was sticking to my parade of horribles theme. Hope you enjoyed it.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 8:43 AM
7 Comments:
I really enjoy your blog and hope you feel better. Never mind what some mean person says.
I did enjoy the horribles, in that "misery loves company" kind of way. And the part where you just wanted SK to back you up on hating some jerk - I hear you. You don't want your friends or lovers to be reasonable in that situation. You want them to hate the anonymous commenter with a fiery passion that exceeds your own, to the point where YOU actually start defending the anonymous commenter and saying things like "maybe he has a point" though you know in your heart he's just a jerk.
Hope you feel better soon!
I remember once when I didn't back Matthew up the way I should have, way back in the beginning of our relationship (I was 18ish). He was rightfully hurt, and I've tried to never, ever do it again. In a relationship, the partner always comes first. Always. They can tell you that you're wrong later, when you're able to hear it, but only then.
And I hope this week is a much, much nicer one!
I know those parades of horibles. They suck. Hope it gets better.
wow, "parade of horribles" is getting a lot of relatively belated attention, considering how buried it is now by other stuff. must have really struck some kind of chord...
by the way, thanks for all the sympathy you guys. :-) y'all are very sweet.
Well my excuse is that I haven't visited for awhile, so I was trying to catch up a bit. Given my attention span is about zip, this post stood out. :-P
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