break-up manifesto

So, I just typed this up in preparation for our "conversation" tonight. (I got roped into agreeing to come home tonight and spend some time talking her, despite the fact that I've asked for space over and over and despite the fact that talking to her makes me feel scared and crazy and extremely anxious.) I felt like I needed all the most basic points down so I could be clear... then I started padding it at the end because I might print it and give it to her at some point. Not sure. I know she'll think it's cold and impersonal, and in some ways it is, but I believe it might help her to have it in writing -- to be able to see it and maybe understand it better. Though, I'm pretty sure she would burn it after reading it once, if she even read it at all. (One of her recent "notes" said "Please DON'T write me any more notes unless they are kind.")

Sorry for any formatting problems that may occur with this, hopefully it will work. Here it is, the Break-Up Manifesto:


Whereas:
* Your drinking has been a problem for me from the beginning of our relationship, and
* This last bender was extremely painful and scary for me, and
* I’m afraid that you aren’t able to see exactly how big of a drinking problem you have and are therefore unable/unwilling to adequately address it, and
* Because of that fact, I feel scared and certain that future bad drinking behavior will occur, and
* This fear by itself results in an unacceptable level of anxietyand stress in my day to day life with you, and

Furthermore:
* I feel my response to your bender (feeling scared, withdrawn, distant, unsure, distrustful) was natural and understandable, and
* I feel my request for space was legitimate and not motivated by any ill will or ulterior motives, and yet
* You were unable to hear/honor my request for space and instead you have asked for more and more time and energy from me, in addition to asking for constant reassurance that I’m staying with you, not moving out, etc, and
* This is in direct contravention of my stated need for space and time to, hopefully, become comfortable with you again, and
* It also disregards the fact that I am near the end of my semester, exams are looming and I have to catch up on the studies I was unable or chose not to attend to during your bender, and
* I consider this to be a disregard of my needs and I feel unmet and uncared for, and
* Also, I have not felt that this response to my needs has been compassionate or loving, but has, instead, been motivated by your own fear and your desire for self-protection, and
* This is all ultimately damaging to me as a person and is making me very unhappy and anxious:

I hearby resolve to leave this relationship and move out of this house in order to better care for myself.

I recognize that I have contributed to the failure of this relationship. I deeply regret that I was not better able to communicate with you about my concerns about your drinking. I regret that I was not strong enough to risk an argument and confront you compassionately every time I felt badly about your drinking. I regret that instead I frequently stifled my concerns about your drinking, letting my frustration and unhappiness pile up until I lashed out. I regret that I wasn’t able to be more compassionate and loving in many of my communications with you but was, instead, often sarcastic or defensive. I regret that my libido fell off after only a few months and that I did not more actively address that issue. I regret that I didn’t sleep naked with you more and that you ended up feeling rejected by me. I am so, so sorry for the pain I know this caused.

I love you so much, you are like family to me, and I want you to always be in my life. But I want it to be different than it has been. I would like to take at least a couple of months of space from you. I want to work on myself and give you space to do the same, without the pressure of working on our relationship. I have realized during this experience that I am very bad at asserting myself and making sure my needs are met -- I’m very bad even at understanding what my needs are when I’m in relationship. I need to learn to be more strong and more clear and I need time and space outside of a relationship to do that. Thank you for everything you’ve been to me. I’m deeply sad that our connection has turned out not to be what we both hoped it would. I have faith that we will find a place in each other’s continuing lives that is meaningful and lasting, though I don’t know what that will look like at this time. I have faith that time will bring us back to a loving space but I don’t believe we will be partners again and I don’t want the work we do on our continuing relationship to be predicated on that hope.

I will be moving my stuff out of the house during the week following the end of my exams (starting the 22nd). All my stuff will be out of the house by the evening of the 28th. I will then be leaving to see my family from the 29th until the 12th of January when I will return to town. I would be interested in checking in with you at some point after I return, maybe that weekend? But I don’t think I will be available for any kind of regular tending to our relationship for a few months, as I mentioned before. Of course, this is just how I project my own feelings and needs. If you are not interested in or able to reestablish contact with me on that timeline, that is completely understandable. I will let you know contact information for me as soon as I have it.

I love you and I hope all this has made sense. I’m sorry if it feels formal, stiff and weird. I felt like I needed to type it all up in this way to keep it ordered and to make sure it made sense. I have had a really hard time keeping it all clear and straight in my head and I’ve had an even harder time communicating it to you. I want you to have happiness and fulfillment and love in everything you do. I’m sorry we weren’t both able to achieve those things together. I hope we’re both able to achieve them, in some way, apart.