fucked up
That fucking CB.
I've been walking around since last Wednesday with an unread note in my pocket from CB. I was at her house Wednesday doing some packing and the note was taped to the door of my room. I didn't want to read it, so I didn't. I just put it in my pocket for later, whenever later ended up happening...
Later happened today. I needed to call CB to talk about my move-out plans and I decided, before I called, that I should read the letter, so I did. The letter was fine. She sounded clear, good, grounded. None of the fucked up, manipulative, crazy bullshit of most of her other letters. It was a relief. Furthermore, she indicated that she was working weekends, so when I put the letter away and picked up the phone, I was expecting to leave a nice message.
Not so. She answered. This time she didn't sound so good. This time she sounded shaky and weird again. She quit her job, she eventually told me. Third job she's lost in four months. Quit two, fired from one. She started crying, telling me she missed me, missed having a best friend. "But," she said, "I know it's just your pattern, I'm not so upset about it anymore, it's all your pattern, to just leave and go to the next thing, or whatever you do." She said I duped her, I made her believe in the forever thing and she'd been stupid, she said, to fall for it, but she had. "I'm not doing the self-pity thing," she said. Bullshit.
My pattern. I started getting angry. She said "It was just so sudden. You just decided it wasn't worth even trying, even working on it." And I started to say "Listen up, things were fucked up for a long time. It only seemed sudden to you b/c you weren't fucking paying attention to me for the last 6 months and for the last 3 you were drunk every single day, all day long." I started to talk but she wasn't listening, she kept talking over me, so I shut up because I knew, I know from experience, she won't listen. She doesn't want to hear.
I'm so angry with her.
My pattern. You fucking asshole. My pattern.
Fuck you.
Nevermind *your* fuck ups. Nevermind your contribution to the failure of the relationship. All my fault. Yep. Of course.
Yeah. Whatever. Fuck you, CB. You're fucked up.
I've been walking around since last Wednesday with an unread note in my pocket from CB. I was at her house Wednesday doing some packing and the note was taped to the door of my room. I didn't want to read it, so I didn't. I just put it in my pocket for later, whenever later ended up happening...
Later happened today. I needed to call CB to talk about my move-out plans and I decided, before I called, that I should read the letter, so I did. The letter was fine. She sounded clear, good, grounded. None of the fucked up, manipulative, crazy bullshit of most of her other letters. It was a relief. Furthermore, she indicated that she was working weekends, so when I put the letter away and picked up the phone, I was expecting to leave a nice message.
Not so. She answered. This time she didn't sound so good. This time she sounded shaky and weird again. She quit her job, she eventually told me. Third job she's lost in four months. Quit two, fired from one. She started crying, telling me she missed me, missed having a best friend. "But," she said, "I know it's just your pattern, I'm not so upset about it anymore, it's all your pattern, to just leave and go to the next thing, or whatever you do." She said I duped her, I made her believe in the forever thing and she'd been stupid, she said, to fall for it, but she had. "I'm not doing the self-pity thing," she said. Bullshit.
My pattern. I started getting angry. She said "It was just so sudden. You just decided it wasn't worth even trying, even working on it." And I started to say "Listen up, things were fucked up for a long time. It only seemed sudden to you b/c you weren't fucking paying attention to me for the last 6 months and for the last 3 you were drunk every single day, all day long." I started to talk but she wasn't listening, she kept talking over me, so I shut up because I knew, I know from experience, she won't listen. She doesn't want to hear.
I'm so angry with her.
My pattern. You fucking asshole. My pattern.
Fuck you.
Nevermind *your* fuck ups. Nevermind your contribution to the failure of the relationship. All my fault. Yep. Of course.
Yeah. Whatever. Fuck you, CB. You're fucked up.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 2:01 PM
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