intellectual freedom; single vs. partnered
I had drinks with my best WASP friend last night (who I will call Waspy for the purposes of this blog and who will probably read this later and give me a hard time about it, but so what). Waspy has been married to the same man for about ten thousand years and can't remember a time when being single and free seemed like a good idea. She was an extremely supportive resource when I was "married" and struggling, but now that I've jumped ship she's not sure what to do with me. (In all fairness, she's still extremely supportive, however her frame of reference is more along the lines of "how-do-we-stick-it-out-and-make-it-work" rather than the "better-luck-next-time-see-ya" approach that I've taken.)
So, last night we were having drinks and I was telling her about my most recent C.B. conversations and my realization that I'm done regardless. I felt like a bullshitter as I started explaining my reasons for being done even "if she's better," which is debatable, anyway. My bullshit sounding reasons? 1.) After what we went through together during her bender, I feel traumatized. I don't even want to go back in the house. I don't trust her. Waspy raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but bad things happen in all relationships. You just figure out a way to work it out and move on."
Ok. Reason 2.) I found when I was relating with C.B. that I'm really bad at advocating for myself in relationships, I tend to roll over and accept the other person's will to the exclusion of my own will and interests. "Yes, BUT", counters Waspy, "if you're not in relationships you won't be challenged to grow and learn to assert your own will and interests. And if you leave, you'll lose the things you learned in your relationship due to lack of exposure." Hmm.
Ok. Reason 3.) Intellectual freedom. She actually furrowed her brow at that one. So I tried to explain that I give all my time and energy (whatever is left after school sucks me dry) to my relationship, leaving nothing for the other things in life I feel passionate about: like reading literature and writing. My decision to step away from my primary relationship was accompanied by a decision to rededicate my life to writing, which I have done and loved almost all my life. I got my first journal when I was nine, for christ's sake! I've written, almost daily, since then. Look at this blog! Daily and voluminous are the writings, whether they're quality or not. This wasn't possible when I was in relationship.
I think our debate ended here. Not sure if Waspy conceded or if we just changed the subject. But this is something I've been thinking about a lot and would like to reflect on in more depth. Is it possible to passionately pursue your own rich, inner life while maintaining a primary relationship? I try to think about artistic, creative couples who pull it off. Georgia O'Keeffe and Alfred Stieglitz, both successful artists, Joan Didion and her late husband, both writers who lived and wrote together, from their home. Would that feel lovely or stifling to me? I don't know.
Any thoughts from the lurking gallery? I'm curious.
So, last night we were having drinks and I was telling her about my most recent C.B. conversations and my realization that I'm done regardless. I felt like a bullshitter as I started explaining my reasons for being done even "if she's better," which is debatable, anyway. My bullshit sounding reasons? 1.) After what we went through together during her bender, I feel traumatized. I don't even want to go back in the house. I don't trust her. Waspy raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but bad things happen in all relationships. You just figure out a way to work it out and move on."
Ok. Reason 2.) I found when I was relating with C.B. that I'm really bad at advocating for myself in relationships, I tend to roll over and accept the other person's will to the exclusion of my own will and interests. "Yes, BUT", counters Waspy, "if you're not in relationships you won't be challenged to grow and learn to assert your own will and interests. And if you leave, you'll lose the things you learned in your relationship due to lack of exposure." Hmm.
Ok. Reason 3.) Intellectual freedom. She actually furrowed her brow at that one. So I tried to explain that I give all my time and energy (whatever is left after school sucks me dry) to my relationship, leaving nothing for the other things in life I feel passionate about: like reading literature and writing. My decision to step away from my primary relationship was accompanied by a decision to rededicate my life to writing, which I have done and loved almost all my life. I got my first journal when I was nine, for christ's sake! I've written, almost daily, since then. Look at this blog! Daily and voluminous are the writings, whether they're quality or not. This wasn't possible when I was in relationship.
I think our debate ended here. Not sure if Waspy conceded or if we just changed the subject. But this is something I've been thinking about a lot and would like to reflect on in more depth. Is it possible to passionately pursue your own rich, inner life while maintaining a primary relationship? I try to think about artistic, creative couples who pull it off. Georgia O'Keeffe and Alfred Stieglitz, both successful artists, Joan Didion and her late husband, both writers who lived and wrote together, from their home. Would that feel lovely or stifling to me? I don't know.
Any thoughts from the lurking gallery? I'm curious.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 9:26 AM
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