the risk and the rejection
Just some thoughts on risk, reaching out, rejection:
I was sort of propositioned by a friend last night -- a friend I dated briefly a few years ago, a friend I've had limited experience making out with, a friend I'm in contact with again after a long absence. We'll call her Blue (which has no significance at all, so don't y'all be trying to guess who she is.) Anyway, we've both been commiserating recently about our relationship difficulties, our lack of intimacy, our crushes, etc. And last night she sent a very sweet, daring email to ask if I'd be interested in possibly reopening the physical aspect of our friendship that hasn't been active since 2003. My answer was no.
First I have to say I'm relieved at this point to realize I'm capable of saying no. I have worried that my boundaries are so poor that I would make out with pretty much anyone who came down the pike. Thank god that's not the case. But just barely. Case in point: I felt when I saw her today after reading the email last night a sort of hypnotic desire to please by being more open, more available to her, simply b/c I know she'd like it. But I wouldn't like it. This ambiguity of desire strikes me as a little disturbing. That my desire can be so easilly influenced by someone else's.
So I started thinking about Mog and our last interaction. It was before the official Mog dump email. It was the pre-dump, the last night we hung out. She was so sweet the whole time she was preparing me for the inevitable dump. She drew me close, nestled against me, invited me to stay the night. I took all this at what I considered to be face value (ie: she was being intimate b/c she felt intimate). But what if she was only being so intimate with me b/c she sensed it's what I wanted? What if she wasn't able to be firm against the pull to please?
It's complicated. It ruins spontenaity. It breeds self-doubt and confusion. At what point is it appropriate to take the risk? To ask or to act. I sat on the couch Monday night with SK content to let that one inch vibrate between us. That was good. I was happy to leave, still humming from it. To go to sleep still humming. To wake still humming. But when to close the gap? If ever. And what if it turns out that closing the gap is unwanted? Inappropriate. Offensive. To accept rejection of affection as another part of the experience. An honest mistake, to misread signals, a small pain that pulses and lets you know you're alive. Another challenge of relating.
I was sort of propositioned by a friend last night -- a friend I dated briefly a few years ago, a friend I've had limited experience making out with, a friend I'm in contact with again after a long absence. We'll call her Blue (which has no significance at all, so don't y'all be trying to guess who she is.) Anyway, we've both been commiserating recently about our relationship difficulties, our lack of intimacy, our crushes, etc. And last night she sent a very sweet, daring email to ask if I'd be interested in possibly reopening the physical aspect of our friendship that hasn't been active since 2003. My answer was no.
First I have to say I'm relieved at this point to realize I'm capable of saying no. I have worried that my boundaries are so poor that I would make out with pretty much anyone who came down the pike. Thank god that's not the case. But just barely. Case in point: I felt when I saw her today after reading the email last night a sort of hypnotic desire to please by being more open, more available to her, simply b/c I know she'd like it. But I wouldn't like it. This ambiguity of desire strikes me as a little disturbing. That my desire can be so easilly influenced by someone else's.
So I started thinking about Mog and our last interaction. It was before the official Mog dump email. It was the pre-dump, the last night we hung out. She was so sweet the whole time she was preparing me for the inevitable dump. She drew me close, nestled against me, invited me to stay the night. I took all this at what I considered to be face value (ie: she was being intimate b/c she felt intimate). But what if she was only being so intimate with me b/c she sensed it's what I wanted? What if she wasn't able to be firm against the pull to please?
It's complicated. It ruins spontenaity. It breeds self-doubt and confusion. At what point is it appropriate to take the risk? To ask or to act. I sat on the couch Monday night with SK content to let that one inch vibrate between us. That was good. I was happy to leave, still humming from it. To go to sleep still humming. To wake still humming. But when to close the gap? If ever. And what if it turns out that closing the gap is unwanted? Inappropriate. Offensive. To accept rejection of affection as another part of the experience. An honest mistake, to misread signals, a small pain that pulses and lets you know you're alive. Another challenge of relating.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 11:21 AM
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