simple

Today, on the bus, among all these zombies (myself included) moving on other people's timelines, going places (like work and school) we didn't want to go, trudging through drudgery, obviously unhappy, bleary and glazed -- there was this one woman who stood in the middle of the bus, waiting to get off, with her arms slung casually through the handholds like she was about to pull herself up and do a somersault, or swing back and forth like a kid. There was something so free in her posture -- so free and full and simple -- it made me realize how burdened and bound I feel in my life right now.

Burdened and bound. I thought about it on my way to birdlady's yesterday. I knew, no matter how she pummelled me, no matter how pissed off or hurt or bored or annoyed I was in her office, no matter how offensive or dehumanizing her behavior, I *knew* I would not leave. I knew I would stay through it all. Why? Because I have to maintain a good relationship with her, because I have to get credit for this class, because I have to finish my internship, because I have to preserve my potential career in the field where she is a major player (with auxiliaries like: because I might depend on her for a job, I might work for her this summer after all, I might need her as a reference in the future.)

I *hate* this. I hate feeling so bound in such a fucked up, sell-out, disgusting sort of way. It's nauseating.

I'm just too busy lately. I just wish I could relax. Walk to the park. Cook myself a good meal. Surf the news online. Read a book. Journal. Sit in a cafe. Simple things. Do some grocery shopping, go to Powell's and buy myself a wall calendar, take a bath with candles, daydream. Being busy sucks.