Friday, April 14, 2006

pain and the blank slate

I walk through my neighborhood like an idiot. A literal idiot, which is from the Latin *idiota* -- an ignorant person. I walk through the neighborhood wide-eyed and slow, like I've never seen houses, trees, landscaped yards or spring blossoms before. I sniff like I've never smelled flowers or wet cedar chips or woodsmoke. I hold out my hands like I've never felt the rough brush of tree bark, cold stone, slick leaves on stiff bushes. I walk with my mouth open, my neck craning this way and that.

I'm almost disgusted with myself tonight. I don't know why I say that. I just feel so sad, everything pains me. I miss CB. I am worried about CB. I called her, actually, after a huge internal debate, knowing she was probably drunk by this time at night. I sat at my desk and closed my eyes and fought the urge to grab the phone and tried to convince myself, instead, to write her a letter. A letter would be easier, safer. I opened my eyes and grabbed the phone anyway. Little T answered, thank god. He sounded so happy when he realized it was me. He immediately apologized for not calling me (as if I could be mad at him for that) and then he asked if I wanted to hang out this week. Of course. So I'm picking him up from his work Monday night. I love that kid.

He warned me that CB wasn't doing so good tonight. I asked if she'd been drinking and he said, "Uh... yeah." I hate asking him questions about her, I hate to put him anywhere near the middle. But this just happens. He lives there, I call, he answers -- what can I do? She'd probably be mad at him anyway, once she realized it was me on the phone and that I talked to him a few minutes before talking to her. She doesn't want me to talk to her kids. Maybe her feelings have changed, but that's how she felt right after I left.

The thing that pains me most, the one thing I have still not wanted to believe after all this time, after all we've been through: she lies to me. She has sworn over and over through the course of our relationship that she has never lied to me. And she's got this incredibly convincing way about her. When she says it, I believe her. And even when she has so obviously been lying, when I have *known* the words coming out of her mouth were not true, I have been so hypnotized by some love or loyalty to her that I have been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have been quick to make excuses for her and slow to accept that, like any addict, she lies. Even to me. She lies even to me.

I know, when I talk to her again, she will claim to have been clean for some length of time. Last time I talked to her she told me she'd been clean since December. I know from Seraph and little T that she's still drinking. I watched her lie to people left and right when we were together, especially about her health and her drinking. I know she lies. I know she's capable of lying really well. Why is it still so hard for me to believe she lies to me?

1 Comments:

Blogger reasonably prudent poet said...

ah rufus, i thought my cussing had driven you away.

you bring up something important. i struggle with the end of my old relationship as it overlaps with a new one. i am grieving the old one while laying the foundation of the new one. it is not a perfect scenerio but it is what it is. we can choose our actions but we can't really choose our feelings. to fall out of love with CB and in love with SK -- these things happened and weren't chosen. choosing to be honest with myself and especially SK about where i'm at emotionally is the best i can do. if SK wonders what she's gotten herself into, i'm sure she would make appropriate choices around that. am i afraid to be alone? certainly. am i choosing to spend time w/ SK for no other reason than to keep myself in good company? i don't believe so. but i am aware -- i try to always be aware.

3:42 PM  

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