the bad smell of blossoms and now bugs

I think I'm depressed. It's not just the disgusting reek of too many blossoms, or the proliferation of giant gnats landing on me as I sit here outside my favorite coffeeshop (the Black Cat -- which is only my favorite b/c it's walking distance from my house and crappy enough so I'm not bowled over by pretension every time I walk in) -- I don't know what it is, exactly, but it feels shitty.

For instance, I couldn't make myself wake up this morning. I hit snooze on my clock for a solid hour. This is not my normal behavior. And then, once I got up and dragged myself to work, I felt like a zombie all day. I was the picture of total, disgusting lethargy. Makes me want to drink. Which is kind of pathetic, for a lot of reasons. Drink and smoke, that's all I wanna do.

So I'm at the coffeeshop. Drinking coffee. Sitting outside, but not smoking. It's a shiftless feeling that I need to learn to sit with, rather than immediately covering with a drug or a behavior of some kind. Tricky. I don't want to sit with it, I want to obliterate it.