brutal self-assessment

I lied about laying low for a couple of days. I'm at work and trying to study for half an hour during my break is pointless. So, here we go.

I was thinking tonight while laying on a bench in the Drop In Center, staring out the window. Thinking about myself. These are the things I thought:

1.) I am lazy. (But I'm dreamy.)
2.) I am lonely.
3.) I don't think I'm all that cute anymore, but I still want attention.
4.) I talk too much and what I say isn't important, but I can't decide if I should just shut up or if I should find people who like listening to me anyway.
5.) I think I have a "good heart," but what does that even mean? Who doesn't think they have a good heart? I'm really an ass-hole a lot of the time. But who isn't an ass-hole a lot of the time? Are we all ass-holes with good hearts?
6.) I don't trust that people like me when they act like they like me and I spend a lot of time second-guessing their signals, if I care about them. It makes it so I can't enjoy myself.
7.) I like to enjoy myself but sometimes I can't remember what is enjoyable.
8.) I don't know how to be alone, but I also don't know if I believe being alone is a viable option. People are social creatures, pack animals. I want to be in a pack, even just a pack of two.
9.) I also don't know how to be in a relationship quite right: my boundaries aren't good, I say too much, I forget to think about what it probably sounds like on the other side to hear certain things.
10.) I get jealous.
11.) I have a crush on my pretend boyfriend Fat Tony but I think it's all in my mind.
12.) I want things to be simple but things are always complicated.
13.) I couldn't stand up to birdlady because I think, somewhere inside, that I deserve to be treated like shit.
14.) I want to have fun but I forgot what I think is fun.
15.) I miss my family and I miss the South, but only a little bit. Only enough to give me jolts of nostalgia.
16.) I want more attention. I want an endless supply of attention until I can't stand it anymore.
17.) I'm shy. So it's against my character to do too much to get attention, so instead I fantasize about the things I would do to get attention if I was less shy. And I write in a blog.
18.) I wonder if I'll come out of this shell someday? But if I did, then who would I be? I would be somebody else.
19.) Right now, I like my job.
20.) I went to law school and I don't want to be a lawyer. And I don't care.
21.) I want somebody else to stand up for me. I think I will just lay down until somebody else comes along to pick me up. I'm tired of holding myself up all the time.