the thing about fat tony

Of course I have a crush on Fat Tony. He's a perfect funhouse mirror, flashing up visions of some potential version of me. Fat Tony is a writer who writes, who has manuscripts coming out of his ears, who had a play produced, who might suck at it, I don't know, but he *does* it, which is more than I can say for me most of the time. Writing in this blog doesn't count. Fat Tony also plays guitar and sings at work. He definitely sucks at both of those things, but he doesn't care! That's the annoying beauty of Fat Tony and exactly the quality I lack. I am, after all, only *so* cavalier. I'm not like Fat Tony, but I *want* to be like Fat Tony. Completely oblivious to the inner (and outer) critic. Just throwing myself out to the world, whether I suck or not, without constant self-stifling and worrying and pondering and hiding. I don't want to hook up with Fat Tony, I want to steal some part of his essence and use it, add it to the thing that is already me. Fat Tony is lazy and makes bad decisions sometimes, but he's not afraid to stand up and be a dick sometimes. I back down from that too easily. I don't set boundaries well enough and then bad shit like birdlady happens. Fat Tony would've been so angry with birdlady he probably would've just walked out the first time she started acting like an ass. When he gets mad his eyes bulge and he usually stands up dramatically, like in a soap opera. Or at least that's how I've created it in my mind. He's funny when he's mad because he's very concrete about it. That's what I'm not. Concrete. I've got too much water in my chart maybe. I need to add cement mix and firm myself up a little. But for now I should go to bed so I can get up early and study tomorrow. Maybe dream about turning into Fat Tony, or some variation on that theme. Maybe turning into a giant, cement garden gnome...