last hurrah
I'm at my coffeeshop for one last, leisurely afternoon of reading and blogging on this my last weekend before school starts. Technically, this isn't even a free weekend because I have homework assignments in all my classes that I must complete before I attend those classes next week, so if I was smart, I would be sitting here with my civil rights litigation book reading the 35 pages that are assigned for my first class on Monday. Instead, I am planning to try to finish the book on pilgrimages I've been reading, but first I will write a blog post or two.
I say good riddance to this summer. This summer has sucked. School will whip me into shape and keep me busy for the winter. Hopefully, I'll find myself realigned by school. Placed magically back on the track I seemed to have been knocked off of. We'll see.
Yesterday, SK stuck her head in my shower then proceeded to chop off her wet hair, taking it from well-past the shoulders to just above the chin. I helped with the back. The new cut is so cute, so becoming. We left the house and went to the Lloyd center mall and SK picked out red frames and turned in her prescription for some reading specs --her first pair of glasses ever. Suddenly, SK has a whole new, super-hot look and I spent the day following her around, very happy to be with her.
This morning wasn't so great. Woke with the same headache I went to sleep with and realized I was feeling a sweetness and a neediness around SK that wasn't reciprocated. SK and I have, recently, decided to "give up" on something of our relationship. We decided to give up on the forever dreaming, the future dreaming, the partner dreaming and we have instead been just appreciating each other for who and what we are. Things had just been too difficult, too painful -- we were constantly hurting and disappointing each other. So the step-down made sense and was working pretty well.
However, this morning, I stepped outside the bounds of the step-down, a victim of something inevitable, I think. Something about the step-down always seems to make the relationship feel so much easier and better and the sweetness and the dreaminess starts to creep back in because the space is so much more welcoming. But it can't work -- doesn't work -- b/c you've already been down that sweet, dreamy path and it didn't work and that's why you did the step-down in the first place.
So SK and I took a drive to Saddle Mountain for a hike and I was feeling really sad, bumping up against the reality of our slow separation from a new, surprising angle. Trying to hike was ridiculous, I walked along behind SK huffing and wheezing, my throat closing around a geyser of crying that wanted to happen. All I wanted to do was crawl behind a tree and bawl like a baby for a few hours. Eventually, I stopped to rest on a rock after a particularly steep bit and I let SK get quite far ahead of me. Only then could I relax, rest and hike after awhile. I walked the rest of the way slowly, stopping frequently, remembering that our different paces (hers quick, mine slow) were just one more reason we took the step-down and, as a result of the step-down, I no longer had to try and figure out how we would manage this difference (among others) in the long term. I could take this hike slow, she could take it fast, and we could meet up in the middle somewhere and it would all be ok.
And it will. All be ok.
I say good riddance to this summer. This summer has sucked. School will whip me into shape and keep me busy for the winter. Hopefully, I'll find myself realigned by school. Placed magically back on the track I seemed to have been knocked off of. We'll see.
Yesterday, SK stuck her head in my shower then proceeded to chop off her wet hair, taking it from well-past the shoulders to just above the chin. I helped with the back. The new cut is so cute, so becoming. We left the house and went to the Lloyd center mall and SK picked out red frames and turned in her prescription for some reading specs --her first pair of glasses ever. Suddenly, SK has a whole new, super-hot look and I spent the day following her around, very happy to be with her.
This morning wasn't so great. Woke with the same headache I went to sleep with and realized I was feeling a sweetness and a neediness around SK that wasn't reciprocated. SK and I have, recently, decided to "give up" on something of our relationship. We decided to give up on the forever dreaming, the future dreaming, the partner dreaming and we have instead been just appreciating each other for who and what we are. Things had just been too difficult, too painful -- we were constantly hurting and disappointing each other. So the step-down made sense and was working pretty well.
However, this morning, I stepped outside the bounds of the step-down, a victim of something inevitable, I think. Something about the step-down always seems to make the relationship feel so much easier and better and the sweetness and the dreaminess starts to creep back in because the space is so much more welcoming. But it can't work -- doesn't work -- b/c you've already been down that sweet, dreamy path and it didn't work and that's why you did the step-down in the first place.
So SK and I took a drive to Saddle Mountain for a hike and I was feeling really sad, bumping up against the reality of our slow separation from a new, surprising angle. Trying to hike was ridiculous, I walked along behind SK huffing and wheezing, my throat closing around a geyser of crying that wanted to happen. All I wanted to do was crawl behind a tree and bawl like a baby for a few hours. Eventually, I stopped to rest on a rock after a particularly steep bit and I let SK get quite far ahead of me. Only then could I relax, rest and hike after awhile. I walked the rest of the way slowly, stopping frequently, remembering that our different paces (hers quick, mine slow) were just one more reason we took the step-down and, as a result of the step-down, I no longer had to try and figure out how we would manage this difference (among others) in the long term. I could take this hike slow, she could take it fast, and we could meet up in the middle somewhere and it would all be ok.
And it will. All be ok.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 5:45 PM
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