my shaky relationship with power
For a very long time I have been a direct care worker in a social work milieu, making very little money. I realize that, over the years, I've come to consider *other* things to be compensation for my work to take the place of money. For example, the work I do gives me a warm feeling in my heart. I leave every day knowing I did at least *something* that was meaningful to someone. This work also gives me a lot of satisfaction. Not because I get a lot done, but because I know the job really well. I've been here seven years, I know the program like the back of my hand and my clinical skills, such as they are, are pretty decent. In short, I rock at my job and get a lot of my self-esteem from that fact.
Now I'm in a new position, a position of much more power but, ironically, a position that puts me in an even more tenuous relationship with the powers that be above me. Ie: Any fuck-ups I make will be much more serious now so I have to be trained, and I am starting to realize that I don't want to be trained. Obviously I might need actual training on procedures I've never done before, but I'm having a problem allowing myself to recieve training in the area of my judgment.
It is my opinion that my judgment is excellent. I know, that's a little inflated, but I can't help it. I love solving problems and applying all the otherwise useless skills I learned in law school (like how to suss out complicated issues and create balanced solutions that take many different viewpoints into consideration). I think I'm good at this stuff and I feel personally attacked (ok, just mildly irritated) when my boss steers me in a different direction or flat-out disagrees with my approach.
I am whining. I know this is not a real problem, this is the kind of problem a privileged white person in America has. So, to help me put it all in perspective, I have to remind myself that I'm actually being compensated with MONEY now. Lots more money than I made before. So my self-esteem and warm heart and all that can take a backseat for awhile. I'll remember the green while I'm taking the bitter medicine of criticism. Dammit all.