instant gratification

I took my exam. I felt overwhelmed, mush-headed, numb. I came to the cafeteria in a daze. Ate curly fries with Kate. Checked my email 100 times, waiting for word from mog. Can't leave well enough alone, can't leave well enough alone. Finally shut the computer, picked up a book -- Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart." Reading. Realizing how I'm projecting all my attention out -- looking for people in the world to take care of me, gratify me, entertain me. I want mog to write back right now and I'd almost prefer a negative response (ie: drama) to no response at all. In this way, mog is an object and I'm not allowing her to exist in my life as a fully developed person. This is counter to who I think I want to be. So I have to pay attention. That's all. Pay attention.