living like this

Living at K's is like this: I have a white laundry basket on the floor by the bed. I packed it up with clothes and books to study for my first two exams on the day I first came to K's. That was a week and a half ago. I added a few things last Sunday, after the birthday night with drinky crow, but mostly I've had the same stuff at K's since two Wednesdays ago. I've worn everything repeatedly and most of it needs to be washed by now. I've run out of boxers and socks. I have to go back to CBs for more. Maybe tomorrow.

So I have a laundry basket on the floor now full of dirty laundry. I have a pile of books at the foot of the bed. I have a cushion for sitting meditation, which I try to do once a day, but honestly? It doesn't always happen. I wake up at K's freezing every morning because they keep the heat so low and it doesn't circulate through the house very well anyway. I wake up so cold some mornings, I expect the water in my bottle by the bed will be frozen. I'm always amazed when it's not. I sometimes check my email in bed right there before I even get up to pee. I roll over without even putting on my glasses and open the computer. I'm waiting for dispatches from the outside world. Being alone makes me needy.

Sometimes I forgo the computer because it's too cold. I dress fast, stiff jeans freezing my legs, and leave. In my car my breath is visible, fluffy even. I drive to the coffeeshop I've been studying in. I easilly spend eight, ten hours studying in that coffeeshop. I start with coffee, switch to juice, eat some hummus eventually, then, by the end of the day, I have a beer. It's a great coffeeshop and the people there know me now, know I'll be there all day studying, know I'm running a tab on my credit card. At the end of the night (usually 8) I stand at the counter with the dyke barrista who is kind of cute and she smiles at me like I'm a very predictable child while I rattle off the list of my day's consumption and she taps it into the cash register and tells me how much I owe.

Then I go back to K's. Sometimes, when other people are home, the house isn't as cold. Sometimes, nobody is home and it's very cold still. Two dogs live in K's house, along with two boys and K. The dogs are sweet. They bark and wag and jump on the door while I try to unlock it. They don't knock me down once I get the door open, though, they're much calmer. They like the love. I scratch them and talk to them then I go upstairs and get straight under the covers. I open my computer. I think about CB, wonder what I'm doing with my life, drink water, plug my cell phone into the charger, write a little something for the blog. Turn out the light. Try to sleep. Lay there, my nose is cold, my feet are cold, the covers aren't thick enough or heavy enough. I wonder if I would sleep better if someone were with me. CB or mog? I'm not sure. I wonder if I'd sleep better if it was warmer.

I think about CB and spend a few moments sort of paying homage to her grief. I think about how sad she must be, how lonely. I wonder what she's doing, where she's at. I try to imagine how awful she feels, how betrayed. But then I snap out of it and remember I didn't betray her. That's ridiculous. I end up starting to feel angry, I mentally change the channel.

Somewhere in all that I eventually fall asleep.