mog sucks, but i suck worse

I'm so predictable and ridiculous sometimes. I emailed mog this morning, b/c we'd made tentative plans to get a drink this week. A "just-friends" drink, of course. I emailed to see if she wanted to get a drink w/ me tonight. In the moment, as I pressed the send button and then shut the computer, before I even got out of bed, still sleepy, cold -- I didn't care very much about the message, the invitation, the response, anything. Then, as the day wore on, it got bigger and bigger and every time I checked my email and found no answer from mog, it got even more bigger and bigger until finally when the message came (delayed, no less, buried deep in my in-box under already-been-read messages from hours earlier, removing the immediacy of her presence online) -- when the message finally came, deep in my in-box, the message that said "tonight doesn't work, maybe after the holidays", it was like pushing me off the top off a tall building and I fell and I fell and I hit the earth below.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Goddamn entertainment mentality. That is all it is. I can read about it and read about it in the Pema Chodron book but that doesn't change that it is there, living and breathing inside my whole body. That urge to cast about, grasp at distractions, lunge toward any new drama. I'm going to go sit with the Shambhala people tonight at 7. Maybe that will help. Or maybe that's just another thing to cling to.

Oh the overanalyzed life! This is what being single does. (Maybe the mind-crush of exams also pushes me in that direction...) What will I do with myself after Thursday's last exam? I should throw a party. Or sleep for two days. We'll see.