sometimes i just want to go home
I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. What am I doing? Why am I sleeping in this strange bed in this strange house all the way across town from my home? Why can't I go home and curl up in *my* bed with *my* wife in what I have long considered to be *my* life. How did everything get hijacked?
The stupidest part of tonight's ridiculous conundrum is that it is exacerbated by being mog-dumped. Yes. Mog-dumped. Make-out-girl gave me the: "I want to be friends. Just friends." A make-out-girl w/o the make-outs is no longer a make-out-girl. I guess now she's fog (friends-only-girl -- a seriously downgraded version of the original...) Why does this greive me so? I'm embarrassed to admit the level of reboundage that must have been at play here. Jesus.
I didn't even need to see mog or talk to her or even *email* her very often. Just knowing she was out there -- an awesome, hot chick who liked me and liked making out with me -- that was enough to get me by. And now that mog is no more, now that she is fog... I feel stupid and sad and disappointed and ridiculous. I feel like a ridiculous, mid-life-crisis cliche. And I'm only 31!
CB has repeatedly accused me of leaving her for mog. Because, according to CB (and objective reality) it has been my pattern to swing from relationship to relationship, barely letting go of one before catching hold of the next. And I was so adamant that that wasn't the case here, that mog was merely a distraction. But honestly, if I look at my actions over the past couple of months, can I really say that mog played no role in my decision to leave CB? Certainly I never thought I was actually leaving CB to "be with" mog, but if mog hadn't come to the halloween party and if I hadn't so randomly ended up making out with mog, would I have otherwise had that taste of freedom and lightness and joy that caused me to recognize how unbearably oppressed I was feeling in my relationship with CB? If I hadn't made out with mog on halloween and then continued to make out with mog over the next few weeks, would I have kept that feeling of freedom and light and possibility that gave me the strength and will to put my foot down, to enforce boundaries and ultimately to leave? (But have I "ultimately" left? Am I not right this minute thinking I'd like to go home and crawl into my bed with my wife... as thought it's still "my" bed and she's still "my" wife?) (And really, look at me now. The "ink" isn't dry on my mog-dump email and I'm already thinking about running home with my tail between my legs... what does that tell me about my real motivations in all of this?)
Christ. Let's not lose sight of a couple of things: CB is an alcoholic and her behavior around alcohol is why I left. Not mog. Also, my time with mog was fun but nothing can stay the same forever. That's foundational. So appreciate it for what it was and move on. There will be other mogs. Hopefully lots and hopefully they will turn up soon. And finally, just pay attention to what you're doing and call yourself on your shit in case no one else is around to do it for you. I know myself pretty well, I need to try and honestly face myself and look at what I'm doing all the time. Take mog, for instance. I know myself -- I know I'm prone to get attached. Next time pay attention to this and don't deny it if it's happening. Just watch it.
Just watch it. And study for your last three exams please. And stop blogging so you can sleep.
The stupidest part of tonight's ridiculous conundrum is that it is exacerbated by being mog-dumped. Yes. Mog-dumped. Make-out-girl gave me the: "I want to be friends. Just friends." A make-out-girl w/o the make-outs is no longer a make-out-girl. I guess now she's fog (friends-only-girl -- a seriously downgraded version of the original...) Why does this greive me so? I'm embarrassed to admit the level of reboundage that must have been at play here. Jesus.
I didn't even need to see mog or talk to her or even *email* her very often. Just knowing she was out there -- an awesome, hot chick who liked me and liked making out with me -- that was enough to get me by. And now that mog is no more, now that she is fog... I feel stupid and sad and disappointed and ridiculous. I feel like a ridiculous, mid-life-crisis cliche. And I'm only 31!
CB has repeatedly accused me of leaving her for mog. Because, according to CB (and objective reality) it has been my pattern to swing from relationship to relationship, barely letting go of one before catching hold of the next. And I was so adamant that that wasn't the case here, that mog was merely a distraction. But honestly, if I look at my actions over the past couple of months, can I really say that mog played no role in my decision to leave CB? Certainly I never thought I was actually leaving CB to "be with" mog, but if mog hadn't come to the halloween party and if I hadn't so randomly ended up making out with mog, would I have otherwise had that taste of freedom and lightness and joy that caused me to recognize how unbearably oppressed I was feeling in my relationship with CB? If I hadn't made out with mog on halloween and then continued to make out with mog over the next few weeks, would I have kept that feeling of freedom and light and possibility that gave me the strength and will to put my foot down, to enforce boundaries and ultimately to leave? (But have I "ultimately" left? Am I not right this minute thinking I'd like to go home and crawl into my bed with my wife... as thought it's still "my" bed and she's still "my" wife?) (And really, look at me now. The "ink" isn't dry on my mog-dump email and I'm already thinking about running home with my tail between my legs... what does that tell me about my real motivations in all of this?)
Christ. Let's not lose sight of a couple of things: CB is an alcoholic and her behavior around alcohol is why I left. Not mog. Also, my time with mog was fun but nothing can stay the same forever. That's foundational. So appreciate it for what it was and move on. There will be other mogs. Hopefully lots and hopefully they will turn up soon. And finally, just pay attention to what you're doing and call yourself on your shit in case no one else is around to do it for you. I know myself pretty well, I need to try and honestly face myself and look at what I'm doing all the time. Take mog, for instance. I know myself -- I know I'm prone to get attached. Next time pay attention to this and don't deny it if it's happening. Just watch it.
Just watch it. And study for your last three exams please. And stop blogging so you can sleep.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 11:31 PM
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