Monday, January 30, 2006

still fucked up

Spent three short hours at CB's today packing up my stuff. She was there. She was not ok. She stayed in her room with the door shut for a long time and I was glad. But, at some point, she came out. I'd gone out to put a load of stuff in my car, and when I came back in, I found her walking down the hall. Maybe when she heard me go out the front door, she came out to see if I was leaving.

So, we stood there in the hall looking at each other for a moment, about five feet apart. She looked like shit. So skinny -- and she was *already* skinny. Even more skinny. We stood there looking at each other and she started crying. She turned and stepped back into her room, but left the door open. She sat on her bed and wept. I stood in the hall awhile, aware that the open door was an invitation for me to come in and comfort her. After a few minutes just standing in the hall, listening, I went back in my room and kept packing.

After a long while, she came back out and stood in the doorway of my room and said "Don't you care about me at all?" I said "Yes." So she said, "You're so cold, so distant. It's like you don't care at all." She stood there, her face quivering with emotion, just staring at me, waiting for me to do something. I didn't do anything, so she went on. "I just can't believe you were so quick to give up on us. Just like that," she snapped her fingers, "you were done." She was getting angry. So was I. She said "But that's what you do, that's your fucking pattern. I think you're a terrible quitter," she said. "You're a quitter and you're not strong enough to stay the stay." Stay the stay? She said "Yeah, I fucked up, I know I fucked up. But you couldn't forgive? You couldn't be there for me when I was having a dark night of the soul."

I said, "No."

I said, "I was there for you until I couldn't be there anymore."

I said, "My leaving wasn't sudden. We weren't happy since last January. This summer we took a million camping trips because the only time we were happy with each other was when we were on a trip. At the end of the summer we made all these plans about how we were gonna work on our relationship. I scheduled myself for day classes so I could be home in the evenings. We were gonna make dinner together and hang out and drink less. And then, the first two weeks of school, I'd come home after class and you weren't here. Eventually you'd call -- you'd be hanging out with people you'd just met at the coffeeshop. You weren't around..."

This is where she cut me off. "That was a long time ago!" She said. "Why are going into that stuff from so long ago??"

I said, "You told me my leaving was sudden. I'm telling you things started finally falling apart in September."

She didn't want to hear any more. She started accusing me of being selfish, of needing it *my* way or no way, of needing her to do things according to *my* needs.

I said, "Yeah. My needs count too." She was stumped. She said some more mean shit. She said "tell it to your new girlfriend, whoever she is." She walked away. She went in the living room and wept loudly while I kept packing. Eventually, she gave up, went back in her room and shut the door. I left without saying goodbye.


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