drinks with dutch

Fun, as always. I don't think I've ever spent time with Dutch that wasn't perfectly proportioned, full, rich and fun. Dutch (so nicknamed in this blog because she actually *is* Dutch) has this dutch effeciency about her. She never lingers longer than necessary, we get separate checks, she has only one glass of wine, we talk about all the things we need to talk about, and then we're done and we part ways. There was a time when I *longed* for more from Dutch, and the absence of that "something more" drove me to distraction. That was, fortunately, a long time ago. Now I rely on her clean efficiency, trusting that we'll have a nice time, she'll never stay longer than she wants, and I'll always know where she's at and where I stand.

Not to mention, we have great conversations. Dutch is about five minutes away from a PhD in Organizational Psychology and just got back from two weeks in New Orleans doing disaster mental health work. Amazing work. Lots to talk about. Also, Dutch is good friends with SK and Dutch used to study process work (Google it, I can't explain it) and when we get together it's a good thing. I can barely even remember what we talked about, just that it sparkled and waved and flowed and jumped and it was great and then it was time to come home. Zaytoon was great -- not too loud, but loud enough to swallow up our animated conversations before they reached other tables. Not smoky at all, which was good. Dim enough to be cool with enough light to be glittery and sparkling.

I had the most intense experience of missing SK while I was talking with Dutch. It was early in the conversation. I was telling Dutch a little about some of the complicated things SK and I have been sort of grappling with during her absence -- things that have come up in our emails and phone calls, etc -- explaining to Dutch how we've addressed these things, how we've worked on them, worked on ourselves around them, etc. And I realized, as I talked, that I was just beaming, ear-to-ear grinning, coming out of my skin w/ happiness. And, of course, Dutch picked it up right away. Told me how obvious our love was, how good we were together, how we compliment each other in our ability to hold a difficult space, go into it, delve, delve, delve, feel it out, come to understand it, move through it, etc. And as she said all that, and I felt all that, etc, etc, and all that... I really *felt* SK, like she was right there with me, like she was sitting in my lap, she was that close. Wonderful. Especially wonderful, b/c I was recently lamenting that SK was fading a little, that I was having to work harder to conjure a real feeling of her, a real, vivid memory of what her physical presence is like. And just tonight, unexpected and unbidden, there was, suddenly, this huge feeling of SK, like she'd never left, like I felt her in Yachats when we realized we were actually girlfriends. I felt her like she was right there with me and not on the other side of the earth.

And I will hold *that* for awhile. Because it feels pretty good.