me and the world

Today, as promised... to myself... I roasted a chicken for SK. Well, I didn't just roast a chicken for SK, and I didn't just promise myself I'd roast a chicken for SK. Several days ago (or maybe it was just yesterday??), I realized that my lifestyle of idleness was making me miserable and one of the microscopic things I decided to do about it was start cooking more for other people. Specifically SK. So, today, I made lunch. But not just, like, BLTs and chips lunch. Like a good old fashioned Southern Sunday Dinner. Only, without the gravy or biscuits and less about fifteen side-dishes (b/c Sunday Dinner is usually a pretty big affair...) I made roast chicken with roasted red potatoes and asparagus. Yum. And I am going to float the idea to my friend Leo to start having weekly "Sunday Dinner" type pot-lucks with our other Southern friends... and perhaps some of our regular friends too. We'll see.

So, while SK and I sat on my front steps in the sun eating our tasty lunch, and I explained to SK my new ideas about cooking, she said, "I'm curious about you -- about how people function in your life."

I wanted to say, "So am I."

I wanted to say, "One at a time."

I wanted to say, "Badly." Or, "Inconsistently." Or, "For short periods."

I don't think I actually said anything but later I noticed, as I walked alone to the park, that I went out of my way to avoid the people with which my neighborhood was teeming. I walked to each corner and looked down each possible direction, opting for whichever street had the least visible people on it. The weather is gorgeous for the first time in awhile and, of course, everyone wants to be outside. I have this notion that I want to be around people, that I want to function within a community, but I seem to find it impossible to walk peacefully past a couple weeding their flower beds, or a family sitting on their porch, and smile and wave or say hello or do the things I think normal people probably do when they encounter otherwise friendly members of their own species.

I watched dogs play at an off-leash park a few days ago and it was really enlightening. It's so simple for dogs, their socializing is so clean and well defined. There's a moment of sniffing. There's a clear hierarchy that generally isn't challenged. There's a little wagging, and then they're off. The dogs I watched, as new ones joined here and there, seemed genuinely happy to be in the park, to be in the sun, to be running, to be in the company of other dogs. I think that I am also happy to be in the company of other humans, but I guess that isn't always true. I told SK that I'm like a cat who wishes it were a dog. Cats are tempermental, bitchy, suspicious and lazy. That's me. How can I bring out my inner yellow lab? (A labotomy? No, that's just the cat talking, ignore it...)

So, for practice, I'm going to a party with SK tonight. I washed and conditioned my hair with the Nexus samples that came with my New York Times a few weeks ago and thought of Henry Miller. Hopefully the party will be fun and I will not be too weird. Everyone cross your fingers.