Saturday, November 17, 2007

looking back, looking forward

Last night I went out on a hot birthday date with Gully, the woman I met at the dance last weekend. We'd been in contact a little through the week. A few emails, one very long phone call, not much, but I knew there was something there. And there was. All the hollow, boring, soul-sucking dates I've been on were worth it if they led me to this one. Wow. Just. Wow.

So (this post is not about my date, sorry) I was thinking today about giving her the URL to this blog. We talked about it last night, she asked for it and I absolutely refused. I like to be able to write about the people in my life on this blog, and I have found that it's much easier to write about people when they're, you know, not going to read what I've written. Simple, right?

But I found myself this morning, reflecting back on the date and Gully and, I don't know, I had a moment of weakness during which I pictured her eagerly pouring over all my blog entries and learning all about me and if, god bless her, she did that and still wanted to hang out with me, all the better.

With this picture in my mind, I decided to go back and reread my earliest posts. We're coming up on the two-year anniversary of this blog, in fact, so I should probably wait until then to celebrate. But, oddly, the day I actually started this blog (December 2nd, 2005) was also the four year anniversary of my brother Isaac's death. So, on December 2nd I usually prefer to celebrate him instead of this navel-gazing hobby of mine.

Some of you may remember, but most will not: I started this blog at the Black Cat Coffeeshop on Alberta while I was in the process of leaving my wife who was an alcoholic in the midst of a huge bender. I was also in law school and studying for exams. I was spending about 8 hours a day in the Black Cat, studying, drinking soy yerba mate lattes and writing blogs. It was pretty awesome, actually.

Reading back over the first several posts, one thing that struck me more than anything else was that I wrote differently. I guess it was the rigor of my academic life, but my writing was much more crisp somehow. And I used bigger words. I used words like "predicated" and "contravention." I hardly remember these words anymore and would never use them in my blog. Which I think is sad. What happend to the legal-thinking me with the sharper mind and the better vocabulary?

Which leads me to wonder what to do with myself. I am living a very pleasurable life right now with lots of leisure and fun activities. I kayak regulary, keep meeting women and going on dates, I go dancing, I'm going to roller derby tonight, I'm actually going roller skating on Monday. I've got fun stuff happening. But my mind is going slack. I'm trying to keep reading good, dense literature, but somehow "Madame Bovary" isn't challenging my brain like a full-time course-load in law school. I don't want to be a lawyer though. What do I need to do to stay sharp? Go back to law school?

I do not know the answer to this question. I guess I'll have to think on it some more. Maybe after roller derby...


Blogger stumptown dreamer said...

I have this feeling that things come and find us as needed. I feel this because every time i think to strive for something my body collapses, things dont flow and the 'thing' i am striving for fails. However when the timing is right, it seems, the right event or turn is taken.... i like that your date took you back to re-read your blogs and that you came away with insights like this... and that seems perfect somehow, the balance of the 'gully' figure with your own inner wanderings... who or what does it take for us to take the steps we do...
blah de blah.... i am philosophical this morning..

1:53 AM  

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