Friday, January 04, 2008

lingering unease

I think I was disproportionately traumatized by Vegas. Nothing particularly bad happened. I wasn't mugged or assaulted, I didn't get violently ill, I didn't get ahold of any bad drugs, I didn't get food poisoning from shrimp cocktails, I didn't get lice. Yet, I came back to Portland utterly shell=shocked and I still haven't recovered.

Part of my unease is probably to do with my brother. There were a couple of moments when he seemed as far away from me as a dust particle floating in a dark and lifeless part of the universe. I saw in him tiny hints of autism or Asperger's Syndrome -- a certain unrelatedness. And it made me cold. It reminded me of his cold, aloof father, my step-father, and I wondered if these disorders are genetic. Dave was actually the one to suggest the possibility that he has Asperger's. He was joking, but only half.

I love him and I felt an almost desolate feeling as I hugged him goodbye at the airport Tuesday afternoon, just an hour after we'd arrived from Vegas. He put his arms around me awkwardly, like a badly constructed cyborg, and was sure to hold me as far away from him as possible. Mahavira and I had strange, repeating, tedious arguments for the rest of the afternoon and again the next day. We still haven't settled back into our usual routine. I'm in a fog and am considering an increase in my daily dose of happy-pill. It's such a weird thing.

Why should two days in a miserable city throw me into such a tailspin? I feel like holing up in a quiet cabin somewhere in the woods for a weekend, just to think about everything. I'd like to walk in a hushed forest, breathe cold air and look at the trees. I think that would help.


Blogger witchtrivets said...

The way you describe Las Vegas confirms what I already thought -- I don't want to go there. However, feeling the after-effects of being in such a soulless places confirms that you have a soul and you are connected. I don't know your brother, so I can't say what that all means. But I did once have a layover in Vegas and just was awful enough to last for days. Oh yeah, and the whole after holidays deal, etc, can't be helping. My two cents.

4:05 PM  
Blogger jackadandy said...

The place is toxic and ungrounding. Your response is a sign of a healthy sensitivity, in my humble opinion.

I generally have an art response to Las Vegas, meaning it generates creative work as a way to process the discomfort and disconnection I experience while there.

It iS possible to be there without being sort of "infected", but it helps to have a purpose other than swallowing what they're selling.

Go out in that forest. It will help. Good luck to you.

11:25 AM  

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