Tuesday, February 07, 2006

the fog my head is in

Had another session with my counselor today. Less helpful than last time. Instead of a bolt of lightening, illuminating my inner life, it was more a stick stirred into the mud at the bottom of my lake -- now everything's all cloudy and swirling.

One good thing: I'm done feeling guilty for leaving CB. In fact, I'm feeling a pure and unbridled annoyance with CB. My counselor, Lisa, said (after I ranted about my run-ins with CB before and after moving) "Wow -- sounds like you're *really* annoyed with her." Lisa was smiling this big, warm smile when she said it.

Yeah. I am really annoyed.

Last night SK and I went to the dyke bar to watch the L word. I noticed as I drove us there that I was feeling more and more apprehensive. I spent a *lot* of time hanging out with CB in this dyke bar and her ghost is in every corner. Not to mention, her actual self could show up any minute. It is, after all, her favorite bar, regardless of the love/hate relationship she thinks she has with it.

SK and I sat in the car debating the possibilities before we went in. I posited a dire prediction about CB's behavior if she was to show up. I guessed that she would confront us -- there would be cussing -- there would be sneering and disparaging of my "patterns."

SK said "What will you do if she says those things?"

My first thought was, "I will have to protect SK from CB." Noble, or something, but ridiculous. I struggled. I thought, "what's the *right* thing to do?" I couldn't find an answer. I can't remember what I eventually said. It involved me saying "Fuck you," and getting angry...

Then SK said, "What I think is that you should agree with her. You should say 'yes, this is my pattern. I love love. I gravitate towards love. It is who I am and who I have always been.'" It was really sweet. Really incredible. It changed my whole perspective. Why have I struggled against CB? Why have I felt the need to defend myself, defend my choices, defend my life? Ridiculous. At that point, I felt this great weight drop off me. My headache and backache sort of dissolved, instantly.

Today, Lisa said, "You feel so congruent suddenly! You finally agree with what you believe."

And that feels pretty fucking great.


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