spoke too soon
Tuesday I was worried that my family wouldn't even bother to open my email response to their anti-immigrant message because of a misunderstanding. Looks like I was wrong, they were just slow to react. Tonight I got two very different messages from two different camps.
The good message came from my "favorite" aunt (who I recently disparaged, but who has definitely redeemed herself) -- she is, ironically, the one who forwarded me the obnoxious message in the first place. Her message to me tonight was perfect (or at least it was the best I could expect under the circumstances). She said I made good points in my message, she made some generalizations about politics that were pretty bland and she thanked me for the "good discussion." She ended the message with a very welcome "love you." All in all, it was respectful and felt like it came from someone who cared about me. That was cool.
The bad message came from my dad's brother's family. I hate getting messages from them because they always sign their messages generically so I can never tell exactly which one of them wrote the message. I guess that's one family style (to let the family subsume all the individual identities within it) among many, but it creeps me out a little.
Anyway, the bad message just didn't make a lot of sense and felt defensive. It mentioned that our family's first American immigrant married a Cherokee woman, as if that absolves us for still living on the land our collective forefathers booted Native Americans out of. Then it talked a lot about how each succeeding generation contained family members who fought and/or died in various wars and conflicts to preserve our American freedoms. And then it pulled some of my own language out of my message to obliquely chastise me for calling them on the bullshit they perpetuate among their "list of email friends who have earned the right to do so."
Earned the right to do what? And anyway, I must be on that "list of email friends" b/c I got the fucking message too. So what about my "right" to have and express an opposing opinion?
Yes, which perfectly illustrates my next point. The bad message got me a little riled up. I noticed I felt angry and defensive when I read it and my first reaction was to start imagining all my come-backs. I had half a retaliation email written in my head before I stopped to question all this intense reaction.
So I dug a little deeper past that anger and defensiveness and noticed I felt really hurt and really sad. I certainly braced myself for a response like this when I sent out my message, but I was definitely hoping for something more like the other message I got, the good one. I wrote my message very carefully and as respectfully as possible so as not to alienate anybody and further polarize them. I wanted to present my side in neutral language in hopes it would actually be heard and also to preserve whatever relationship I had with the people who would read it.
Basically, even though I feared my family would reject me for my opinion, I deep down hoped they would hold me in spite of my opinion -- possibly even appreciate me for it. Big hope! But look, my favorite aunt came through. She did exactly what I didn't even realize I was hoping for. She didn't treat me as if I was some outside attacker, threatening her beliefs and way of life. She treated me like someone she's known and cared about and still knows and still cares about and it felt good.
The other folks from the other message -- that blob of undifferentiated family who can't seem to sign their actual names to anything -- they treated me like an attacker. I didn't feel held or heard or cared about at all. And that's unfortunate. I notice, though, that just naming it helps dispell a lot of the sad feelings and hurt. If I really look, I see that I don't hold them either. I have never had a particularly smooth relationship with them and I never go out of my way to see them when I visit. In fact, they're the only aunt-uncle combo I didn't see during this last trip, and they live, literally, across the street from where I stayed.
So if they respond as though I'm an attacker, maybe I should pick up the attacker and say "Yes, I just attacked your life and your opinions. You're right. You should get defensive. That's appropriate. I shouldn't expect you to like me or be nice to me anymore." If I notice the absence within myself of a deep core of caring and loving feelings for them, then maybe it's ok to leave all this as it is. Maybe this is the most congruent place for it to be...
The good message came from my "favorite" aunt (who I recently disparaged, but who has definitely redeemed herself) -- she is, ironically, the one who forwarded me the obnoxious message in the first place. Her message to me tonight was perfect (or at least it was the best I could expect under the circumstances). She said I made good points in my message, she made some generalizations about politics that were pretty bland and she thanked me for the "good discussion." She ended the message with a very welcome "love you." All in all, it was respectful and felt like it came from someone who cared about me. That was cool.
The bad message came from my dad's brother's family. I hate getting messages from them because they always sign their messages generically so I can never tell exactly which one of them wrote the message. I guess that's one family style (to let the family subsume all the individual identities within it) among many, but it creeps me out a little.
Anyway, the bad message just didn't make a lot of sense and felt defensive. It mentioned that our family's first American immigrant married a Cherokee woman, as if that absolves us for still living on the land our collective forefathers booted Native Americans out of. Then it talked a lot about how each succeeding generation contained family members who fought and/or died in various wars and conflicts to preserve our American freedoms. And then it pulled some of my own language out of my message to obliquely chastise me for calling them on the bullshit they perpetuate among their "list of email friends who have earned the right to do so."
Earned the right to do what? And anyway, I must be on that "list of email friends" b/c I got the fucking message too. So what about my "right" to have and express an opposing opinion?
Yes, which perfectly illustrates my next point. The bad message got me a little riled up. I noticed I felt angry and defensive when I read it and my first reaction was to start imagining all my come-backs. I had half a retaliation email written in my head before I stopped to question all this intense reaction.
So I dug a little deeper past that anger and defensiveness and noticed I felt really hurt and really sad. I certainly braced myself for a response like this when I sent out my message, but I was definitely hoping for something more like the other message I got, the good one. I wrote my message very carefully and as respectfully as possible so as not to alienate anybody and further polarize them. I wanted to present my side in neutral language in hopes it would actually be heard and also to preserve whatever relationship I had with the people who would read it.
Basically, even though I feared my family would reject me for my opinion, I deep down hoped they would hold me in spite of my opinion -- possibly even appreciate me for it. Big hope! But look, my favorite aunt came through. She did exactly what I didn't even realize I was hoping for. She didn't treat me as if I was some outside attacker, threatening her beliefs and way of life. She treated me like someone she's known and cared about and still knows and still cares about and it felt good.
The other folks from the other message -- that blob of undifferentiated family who can't seem to sign their actual names to anything -- they treated me like an attacker. I didn't feel held or heard or cared about at all. And that's unfortunate. I notice, though, that just naming it helps dispell a lot of the sad feelings and hurt. If I really look, I see that I don't hold them either. I have never had a particularly smooth relationship with them and I never go out of my way to see them when I visit. In fact, they're the only aunt-uncle combo I didn't see during this last trip, and they live, literally, across the street from where I stayed.
So if they respond as though I'm an attacker, maybe I should pick up the attacker and say "Yes, I just attacked your life and your opinions. You're right. You should get defensive. That's appropriate. I shouldn't expect you to like me or be nice to me anymore." If I notice the absence within myself of a deep core of caring and loving feelings for them, then maybe it's ok to leave all this as it is. Maybe this is the most congruent place for it to be...
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 12:37 AM
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