gift horse, say "ahh"

Today I recieved a suspicious package from my mother. A very heavy suspicious package. The tag doesn't say how much it weighs, but it cost mom $25.75 to mail it from Florida and it took a week to get here. The post-man held it out at an angle so I could see the smashed-in bottom side and said "it was like this when I got it."

It was probably like that when mom mailed it.

Anyway, I knew she was planning to send me a digital camera. Mom is nice enough to send me the cast-off electronics that she buys for herself and ends up hating. That's how I ended up with an electronic organizer in 1997. And that's how I ended up with this camera, which is nice and I'll happily use it (once I figure out how...) It's the other stuff I'm concerned about.

First and foremost, the box was full of broken glass. Thanks mom. When I first graduated in December, mom made this huge production about buying me a class ring to celebrate my completion of law school. I thought that was dumb and that's what I told her in the nicest possible way. She sent me a link to the Josten's website and told me to design myself a ring. No thanks.

The Josten's site also offers fancy frames for your diploma. I suggested she buy me a frame instead. She said ok and here we are, 10 months later, and she has found the shittiest possible frame at Wal-Mart and tossed it into a cardboard box with NO CUSHIONING MATERIAL AROUND IT and mailed it across the country. And guess what. It broke.

I carefully removed all the broken glass and then crammed my stupid diploma into the crappy frame anyway. Who cares. I don't want to practice law, it won't be hanging in any fancy office anytime soon, who cares that it came from Wal-Mart, was assembled by toddlers in Indonesia and doesn't even have glass in it?

After throwing away all the broken glass, I moved on to the rest of the box. I found the camera, which is the size of a deck of cards, buried inside a camera case big enough to hold a bowling ball. I don't even want to guess where this came from or why mom bought it, all I can say is thanks. I guess.

After the camera, I found the clothes. I don't know why mom buys me clothes, she just does. They come from outlet malls, they're cheap and they're usually pretty tacky. Mom, I love you. Stop buying me clothes. I don't need a scoop neck sweater with a hood, but thanks. Or sweatpants. Or any of the other stuff I can't even describe. I will only take it to the homeless shelter and see it walking around on clients for the next few weeks.

Mom does get bonus points for sending me one very practical item, a fluffy throw blanket that I am using right this minute because it's damn cold in my house. She also gets points for the utterly random: a Charlie Brown sheet. Just the one sheet. Flat. With Charlie Brown. So... you know... that's cool.

Anyway, I saved the weirdest for last. I am now the owner of a red box that says Black and Decker. It weighs about ten pounds (literally, that is not an exaggeration) and I have no idea what it is or what it is supposed to do. I *think* it is something that will recharge my car battery if said car battery dies. I think. But I can't figure out *how* it might do this. It has a cord that plugs into a cigarette lighter... does it recharge my car battery via the cigarette lighter? That seems weird. Needless to say, it didn't come with any instructions or anything. Not even a note from mom. I guess I'll put it in my car anyway... just in case.

Uh, thanks mom. What would I do without you?