another element of my personal revolution
Check out my horoscope from the Astro.com website for today, pay special attention to the last half, which addresses something very important.
"No loose ends *
This influence brings your personal, domestic and emotional life to prominence. You will feel more integrated and at one with yourself in many ways now than at any other time. And your relationships with other people, especially women, should be more harmonious as well. This is because you approach everything as a total person, with no loose ends hanging out to signify divided intentions. The only problems with this manifestation will arise if you are afraid of your feelings. Then this can be a turbulent and uncomfortable time, for you will be confronting an aspect of yourself that you do not like. But disliking your emotions is the problem, not the emotions themselves. If you find this transit disturbing, you should examine your attitude toward your emotions."
My attitude toward my emotions...
This is so pertinent to me right now and here's why: when I was with CB (when I've been in a so-called "committed" relationship with *anybody* and, at last count, there have been 5 including CB -- 5 semi-long term, cohabitating relationships) anyway, as I was saying, when I'm in these "committed" relationships I let myself become attached to the form of the relationship and to the other person's needs and reactions to me. The corrollary is that I become very, very afraid of my own real emotions because, at some point, my own emotions may present themselves in such a way as to cause friction with the delicate (yet false) balace I'm trying to hold in place in my (obviously not perfectly functional) relationship.
I have been aware of my tendency to place my partner's needs above my own and to frequently choose harmony over honesty. I even understand that this behavior derives from my fucked up relationship with my dad who, after losing custody of me to my mom when I was almost four, began waging and all-out battle of guilt and manipulation to convince me to go live with him instead of my mom. He made it clear that he was very, very sad and my refusal to live with him was the cause. Since then, I've been hyperaware of other people's needs and my impact on them. Maybe because I refused to go live with my dad and make him happy I've subconsciously taken it on as my lot in life to make everybody else happy in some way? Doesn't matter, I think the urge to please others is pretty common, regardless of the particular origins of my pathology.
But my point is that I've been leaving out an element here. I've addressed with myself this idea of placing my partner's needs above my own, but I haven't even considered the corrollary of becoming afraid of my own emotions. Deciding to leave CB's to take care of myself forced me into a space where I was putting my own needs first. The trickle-down effect was that I was finally able to relax, breathe, look at myself and what I was feeling. It was an unanticipated consequence of leaving -- the freedom to feel my emotions without a self-imposed censor shaking her head and clucking her tounge. And that, I think for me, at least right now, is the benefit of being single. To learn to befriend my emotions no matter what impact they might have on anybody else.
I just remember sitting in my room in the middle of the worst part of CB's month-and-a-half long bender, when she was drunk every day and pretty mean, when I had every reason to walk out, I was so fed up and on top of all that, I was reading my fucking tarot cards every day and they were saying "If you're in a destructive relationship, pick up your power and leave now." "This is an end time." "Leave the old pieces of broken dreams behind, they will reform into new dreams in the future." "Old patterns are breaking down, old relationships are ending." Every possible card that could support my leaving CB came up in those readings, over and over. But I just couldn't hear it. I wouldn't let myself really feel it. And that's just it: I was afraid of my feelings. I was so attached to the structure of my relationship with CB, I was choosing to deny my wholeness rather than be flexible and risk the relationship changing. Well what's more important in this life? My wholeness or a dysfunctional relationship?
Sad that the answer to that question isn't always obvious.
"No loose ends *
This influence brings your personal, domestic and emotional life to prominence. You will feel more integrated and at one with yourself in many ways now than at any other time. And your relationships with other people, especially women, should be more harmonious as well. This is because you approach everything as a total person, with no loose ends hanging out to signify divided intentions. The only problems with this manifestation will arise if you are afraid of your feelings. Then this can be a turbulent and uncomfortable time, for you will be confronting an aspect of yourself that you do not like. But disliking your emotions is the problem, not the emotions themselves. If you find this transit disturbing, you should examine your attitude toward your emotions."
My attitude toward my emotions...
This is so pertinent to me right now and here's why: when I was with CB (when I've been in a so-called "committed" relationship with *anybody* and, at last count, there have been 5 including CB -- 5 semi-long term, cohabitating relationships) anyway, as I was saying, when I'm in these "committed" relationships I let myself become attached to the form of the relationship and to the other person's needs and reactions to me. The corrollary is that I become very, very afraid of my own real emotions because, at some point, my own emotions may present themselves in such a way as to cause friction with the delicate (yet false) balace I'm trying to hold in place in my (obviously not perfectly functional) relationship.
I have been aware of my tendency to place my partner's needs above my own and to frequently choose harmony over honesty. I even understand that this behavior derives from my fucked up relationship with my dad who, after losing custody of me to my mom when I was almost four, began waging and all-out battle of guilt and manipulation to convince me to go live with him instead of my mom. He made it clear that he was very, very sad and my refusal to live with him was the cause. Since then, I've been hyperaware of other people's needs and my impact on them. Maybe because I refused to go live with my dad and make him happy I've subconsciously taken it on as my lot in life to make everybody else happy in some way? Doesn't matter, I think the urge to please others is pretty common, regardless of the particular origins of my pathology.
But my point is that I've been leaving out an element here. I've addressed with myself this idea of placing my partner's needs above my own, but I haven't even considered the corrollary of becoming afraid of my own emotions. Deciding to leave CB's to take care of myself forced me into a space where I was putting my own needs first. The trickle-down effect was that I was finally able to relax, breathe, look at myself and what I was feeling. It was an unanticipated consequence of leaving -- the freedom to feel my emotions without a self-imposed censor shaking her head and clucking her tounge. And that, I think for me, at least right now, is the benefit of being single. To learn to befriend my emotions no matter what impact they might have on anybody else.
I just remember sitting in my room in the middle of the worst part of CB's month-and-a-half long bender, when she was drunk every day and pretty mean, when I had every reason to walk out, I was so fed up and on top of all that, I was reading my fucking tarot cards every day and they were saying "If you're in a destructive relationship, pick up your power and leave now." "This is an end time." "Leave the old pieces of broken dreams behind, they will reform into new dreams in the future." "Old patterns are breaking down, old relationships are ending." Every possible card that could support my leaving CB came up in those readings, over and over. But I just couldn't hear it. I wouldn't let myself really feel it. And that's just it: I was afraid of my feelings. I was so attached to the structure of my relationship with CB, I was choosing to deny my wholeness rather than be flexible and risk the relationship changing. Well what's more important in this life? My wholeness or a dysfunctional relationship?
Sad that the answer to that question isn't always obvious.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 9:32 AM
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