Tuesday, February 07, 2006

future suddenly uncertain

Not that it was certain before. It just had more palatable contours.

So, I spent a couple hours today working on this project for my internship. By "project" what I mean is "someone's social security case." And by "someone's social security case" what I mean is "the shit I thought I wanted to do for a living after school." And you know what? I fucking hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. It's boring as fuck. It's totally disheartening. I think of bird-lady and I want to go kill her birds.

Last week bird-lady said to me (didn't intimate, hint at or imply -- she said it) "If you want me to hire you this summer, I want to see a lot of enthusiasm for this work -- I want to see you actually doing more than your required ten hours." She looked at me knowingly then shrugged her shoulders and followed up with "Of course I can't *ask* you to do more than the required hours, but.... *But*..." And she smiled, having made her point. I felt like I was talking to the godfather or one of his cronies.

You want to work for me, you got to work double-time, off the clock, you got to prove yourself.

I think this work sucks. I think appellate advocacy is dry and boring. I want to walk around in a daydream. I want to read my fucking Sunday New York Times and write blog entries all day. I want to travel. I want to wake up in the morning in SK's bed and, instead of jumping up and running off to procrastinate somewhere, I want to roll over, put my arm around her and go back to sleep. Or stay up chatting. I want to have breakfast with her and read the paper together and take a long walk and go to a coffeeshop and, and, and, and fun stuff all day.

I don't want to wake up stressed out because there is no end to the amount of work I'm supposed to be doing and no structure whatsoever. I don't want to sit for hours in front of a computer summarizing two hundred pages of medical records, not sure what I'm doing or how to do it, while my back and neck knot up and burn with pain. I dont want to be so far behind in the reading for all my other classes because this internship takes all my resources. Fuck.

I'm feeling frazzled again.


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