future suddenly uncertain
Not that it was certain before. It just had more palatable contours.
So, I spent a couple hours today working on this project for my internship. By "project" what I mean is "someone's social security case." And by "someone's social security case" what I mean is "the shit I thought I wanted to do for a living after school." And you know what? I fucking hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. It's boring as fuck. It's totally disheartening. I think of bird-lady and I want to go kill her birds.
Last week bird-lady said to me (didn't intimate, hint at or imply -- she said it) "If you want me to hire you this summer, I want to see a lot of enthusiasm for this work -- I want to see you actually doing more than your required ten hours." She looked at me knowingly then shrugged her shoulders and followed up with "Of course I can't *ask* you to do more than the required hours, but.... *But*..." And she smiled, having made her point. I felt like I was talking to the godfather or one of his cronies.
You want to work for me, you got to work double-time, off the clock, you got to prove yourself.
I think this work sucks. I think appellate advocacy is dry and boring. I want to walk around in a daydream. I want to read my fucking Sunday New York Times and write blog entries all day. I want to travel. I want to wake up in the morning in SK's bed and, instead of jumping up and running off to procrastinate somewhere, I want to roll over, put my arm around her and go back to sleep. Or stay up chatting. I want to have breakfast with her and read the paper together and take a long walk and go to a coffeeshop and, and, and, and fun stuff all day.
I don't want to wake up stressed out because there is no end to the amount of work I'm supposed to be doing and no structure whatsoever. I don't want to sit for hours in front of a computer summarizing two hundred pages of medical records, not sure what I'm doing or how to do it, while my back and neck knot up and burn with pain. I dont want to be so far behind in the reading for all my other classes because this internship takes all my resources. Fuck.
I'm feeling frazzled again.
So, I spent a couple hours today working on this project for my internship. By "project" what I mean is "someone's social security case." And by "someone's social security case" what I mean is "the shit I thought I wanted to do for a living after school." And you know what? I fucking hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. It's boring as fuck. It's totally disheartening. I think of bird-lady and I want to go kill her birds.
Last week bird-lady said to me (didn't intimate, hint at or imply -- she said it) "If you want me to hire you this summer, I want to see a lot of enthusiasm for this work -- I want to see you actually doing more than your required ten hours." She looked at me knowingly then shrugged her shoulders and followed up with "Of course I can't *ask* you to do more than the required hours, but.... *But*..." And she smiled, having made her point. I felt like I was talking to the godfather or one of his cronies.
You want to work for me, you got to work double-time, off the clock, you got to prove yourself.
I think this work sucks. I think appellate advocacy is dry and boring. I want to walk around in a daydream. I want to read my fucking Sunday New York Times and write blog entries all day. I want to travel. I want to wake up in the morning in SK's bed and, instead of jumping up and running off to procrastinate somewhere, I want to roll over, put my arm around her and go back to sleep. Or stay up chatting. I want to have breakfast with her and read the paper together and take a long walk and go to a coffeeshop and, and, and, and fun stuff all day.
I don't want to wake up stressed out because there is no end to the amount of work I'm supposed to be doing and no structure whatsoever. I don't want to sit for hours in front of a computer summarizing two hundred pages of medical records, not sure what I'm doing or how to do it, while my back and neck knot up and burn with pain. I dont want to be so far behind in the reading for all my other classes because this internship takes all my resources. Fuck.
I'm feeling frazzled again.
posted by reasonably prudent poet at 3:56 PM
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