Tuesday, January 23, 2007

your little angel

As I listen to the lilting strains of a shrieking, squealing, moaning, pounding, wailing, bawling child in full tantrum mode, wafting down to me from upstairs, I am comforted by the news on Yahoo that a whole family was asked to get off an AirTran plane because their toddler was throwing a tantrum. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070123/ap_on_re_us/flight_tantrum

Can I just speak for the childless among us now and say "Thank you AirTran! You are my new hero!"

I usually don't enjoy children, especially more than one at a time and especially if they're no longer, officially, "babies." Babies are cute and blobby and their helpless cries are understandable and I feel nothing but empathy for them. But once they become verbal -- you know, *too* verbal -- they're just impossible to be around. I like quiet. I like peace. I don't like chaos or sudden loud noises or messes that aren't mine. Therefore, ergo, that is why: I don't have kids.

But anyway, my usual amount of "not enjoying" children is greatly augmented when kids are throwing tantrums. These fruity, pansy-ass parents these days will let their bratty little monsters get away with any kind of totally unacceptable behavior. It's one thing that I have a raving little maniac upstairs who is allowed to scream himself hoarse while his parents "calmly" wait for him to finally realize that he will not get any attention for his misbehavior. That's bad enough and it gives me vicious fantasies of going upstairs to throttle the little monster.

It's much worse, however, when people drag their little brats into public and let them torment the rest of the world with their tyrannical, screaming bullshit. I was not allowed to behave like that! All my mom had to do was give me one of her ominous "I'll jerk a knot in you!"s and that's all it took to shut me up. I don't know what jerking a knot in me would have looked like and I never found out.

What has happened to parents? First of all, just because a kid is mobile doesn't mean it's appropriate to take him everywhere. Maybe the screaming three year old is screaming because going to a fucking restaurant is beyond his current developmental capacity. Maybe it's just not his cup of tea. Maybe you uppity, yuppity parents need to rethink whatever entitlement process you have that makes you think the rest of the world wants to listen as you quietly try to cajole that shrieking monster of yours to shush a little and eat some of his yummy burrito. Maybe you gave up your right to a cush night out without a babysitter when you decided to make babies. Do us all a favor and hire some kid from the neighborhood to come watch that little monster for you, then you can go have your burrito and your adult conversation and the rest of us don't have to suffer from you terrible parenting.

I'm so happy to hear that AirTran had the nerve to do what I wish every proprieter of every business afflicted by tantrumming children could do: boot them out. If I could, I would go kiss AirTran on the cheek. And then I would go upstairs and throttle that little brat up there because he has been screaming NON STOP since I started writing this and the anger it's causing me is certain to give me an anuerysm or a heart attack or, possibly, just an ulcer. Where are my earplugs? Dear god, where are they???


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